Game of Thrones: Why We Book-Readers Are So Damn Obnoxious

“How do you know if someone’s read Game Of Thrones? Oh don’t worry, they’ll fucking tell you”.

Yes, we bookreaders can be the most obnoxious arseholes in the world. I know. We know. To cut a rant short, we do it because we care. My aim here is to use a schoolyard analogy to explain why so many of us get as irritated by the show as we do. It probably won’t make us any less pretentious and annoying to those of you who haven’t read the books, but with any luck it’ll make our viewpoint that little bit more understandable. Most of the character’s names have been changed, but I’m sure you’ll know who I’m talking about.

Imagine you’re back at school. One lunchtime you see a massive brawl on the playground. Blood is flowing, allegiances are formed and broken right in front of your eyes. You stand transfixed, amazed by all the different people you are seeing fighting for different reasons, but all towards the same goal: they want to sit on the seat with the swords engraved in it. You don’t get why, it’s an uncomfortable seat, sometimes it even gives people splinters, but the people you see fighting don’t care. They’re determined to be the one who gets to sit on it.

You see this one dude called Ned trying to be the bigger man but he gets punk’d by Jeff. Jeff’s a prick. You see Dani sat comfortably as her 3 tough pyromaniac friends annihilate all before them. Shit, was that a lighter? Yes, Dani’s friend just legit set a dude’s hair on fire. Fucking hell. Dani’s other friends Barry, Missy and Graham are there too, but Missy’s a few years younger than everyone else, so isn’t really doing anything interesting or important.

You see Stanley soldiering on despite not having much backup. He has his loyal bro Dave, but he isn’t exactly built for fighting. That creepy foreign exchange chick Mel seems to be backing him too, but you sense she isn’t good for him in the long run. Stanley’s taking hit after hit, but dammit look at him, he isn’t giving up for jack shit. You know he stands little chance of winning this but you root for him anyway.

You see Ron, Vic, Ash and Aaron too, those salty smelling kids who keep stealing shit and talking about drowning. First they’re bickering amongst themselves, but then they go on the offensive and my god, what a spectacle. You hear from another combatant that the surly ginger dude who just dyed his hair blue has an ace up his sleeve, one that could possibly change everything. Elsewhere, a whole bunch of sexy latino kids seem poised to enter the fray too. It’s anyone’s guess who’s going to end up sat on the groovy seat with swords engraved, you can’t wait to see how this plays out.

Alas, before the fight is over, the teachers arrive on the scene and break it up. The combatants all swear that this isn’t over, and that it’ll all kick off again soon. The anticipation feels like it’s going to kill you.

Two of the popular kids, David and D.B also saw the fight. The next day you notice that David and D.B are stood on a soapbox, retelling the story to the whole school, most of whom didn’t see the fight. They’re going into a lot of detail and you’re impressed at their storytelling ability. Ned’s betrayal was retold well. The bit where Ty threw the petrolbomb at Stanley was awesome. You don’t remember that Rose chick being there, but whatever, she’s hot. Best of all, their retelling of Robbie getting slapped down by Wally was perhaps even more shocking than you remember it. “Wow”, you think to yourself, “this is great”.

But then you start noticing things. Did David and D.B forget to properly mention how guilty Stanley felt after Mel threw a tampon at his little brother? That girl’s name was Ash, not Yara, what the hell? Hey, they forgot to mention the creepy hooded guy 6^th former who helped the kid in a wheelchair!  And why are they glorifying Dani so much? She wasn’t nearly as good as they’re making her out to be. She just kinda sat there and blabbered on about how great she was. What’s going on here? You try to point out what REALLY happened that day, but your words fall on deaf ears.

It gets worse. Over the next few weeks David and D.B start straying even further from the truth of what happened. They seem to be ignoring some of your favourite participants, so you call out “What about Ron, Vic and Aaron?”. Several people nearby turn and tell you to shut up. You notice they’re already wearing shirts with Dani’s face on it, although for some reason they’re calling her ‘Kelly C’, that nickname she used years ago but grew out of. It doesn’t make sense to call her that anymore, but they don’t know that. You’re starting to get annoyed, but can’t bring yourself to leave because it’s a story you care about so damn much. David and D.B still tell some key parts well, like how cathartic it was when Jeff choked on his pukka pie, and how gnarly it was when Greg jabbed that suave latino kid in the eyes. But with each passing installment of their story you lose more and more hope of seeing the missing characters, and you find it harder and harder to fully enjoy their version of events. In your darkest moments you almost wish you hadn’t seen the actual fight so you could take David and D.B’s word as law and simply enjoy the story.

Weeks pass, and it’s getting unbearable to discuss the fight with others. You remain firm in your backing of Stanley, but people who weren’t there always say he’s ‘boring’ and call him a ‘pussywhipped douche’ thanks to David and D.B’s lies. You remind them that Stanley took down Manny from that school the next county over despite being outnumbered 20 to 1, but they don’t care. You point out how Stanley utterly trounced Vic years ago but they say “who?”. You point out that Stanley saved John, who they all seem to love, but as soon as you mention it they go all doe-eyed, gaze longingly into the distance and ramble on about how John and Dani Kelly C should get married. You can see that being present for the actual fight counts for less and less with these people each passing day. David and D.B’s version of events has become what ‘really’ happened. In some ways that’s good – you’re glad that so many people have heard the story – its one worth telling, but you feel increasingly frustrated at how they play fast and loose with so many of your favourite characters, and ignore others completely.

By this point your patience with David and D.B is wearing very thin. You want to hear about Ron, Vic and Aaron, but instead they fabricate some implausible story about Missy and Graham fancying each other. “Who fucking cares!” you say, but the Dani Kelly C fans lap the bullshit up anyway, oblivious to the fact that Missy is in actual fact almost 10 years younger than Graham. They should have told the bit about how Ash’s dad fell off the bridge by now, but they seem to have forgotten him too. Then they really fuck up and say that Barry got beaten up by a few of those poxy rich kids who wear silly Halloween masks. “NO!” you shout, “Barry was one of the best fighters of the lot, no way would he lose to them! And what’s this about Jay going on holiday in the south? That never happened!”. This is just getting ridiculous now. As you check Facebook that night, you learn that several people have named their daughters Kelly C. You weep for humanity.

Then comes a shocking revelation: the fight kicked off again last night and this one kid, George, saw it all. George swears to write 100% factual books about what he saw, but as he’s taking such care to tell it properly his books aren’t getting done any time soon. Then you find out George has told David and D.B what happened in the end. You swallow your disdain for them and go to the soapbox to hear their retelling. It’s barely even a matter of wanting to do it at this point, you NEED to do it, and it doesn’t make you feel particularly proud. As they continue they go on at even further length about Missy and Graham’s will they/won’t they relationship, clearly believing this is a fitting substitute for all of the awesomeness they have left out elsewhere. You sigh and pour yourself a drink, you’re gonna need it. Still no mention of Ron, Vic and Aaron. Nor is there any sign of Cat’s radical new gothic makeover. That fat madman who ate all the locusts? Nope. No mention of the surly ginger kid either: you begrudgingly realise that the ace up his sleeve probably wasn’t that important after all. You get up and are about to leave, but then they reveal how Stanley was nice to that girl with the gross thing on her face. A large part of the crowd – even some of the obnoxious Dani Kelly C fans – let out a collective “awwww”. Could it be? Are they finally starting to do your favourite combatant justice? If they can do this then anything is possible, maybe they can pull this off after all. Suddenly your interest sparks back into life. “It’s a start” you think to yourself, and sit back down.

Your relationship with David and D.B is still a strenuous one. You realise now that what you saw on the playground that fateful day and what they saw are two very different stories, which look set to grow even more different. At times you hate them for ignoring some of your favourite characters, or for leaving out important things another one did or said. You’ll never fully forgive them for betraying Barry like that either. But you start to realise that the fight you saw is by no means an easy tale to tell. What you saw that day was so intricate, so gripping and so epic that you wonder if it was ever even possible to retell it exactly as it was. There are even some bits you like more in David and D.B’s version, like that twisted Northern guy who keeps bullying Ash’s brother, John’s fight with Karl, and how the dude with the burnt face craved chicken that one time. You know you’ll never see eye to eye with them, you’re aware that their story is essentially fanfiction now, but you swing by every week to hear them tell it anyway. It’s entertaining enough, you suppose, and it’s not like there’s anything better to do until George tells us what really happened.